I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
