My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
