Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
