I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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