Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
