checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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