Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
