i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
