im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
