i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
