____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
