She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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