The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
