a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
