You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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