take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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