How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
