I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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