How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
