idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
