dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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