I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
