just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
