They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
