she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
