so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm like, not good at living.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
