I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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