Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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