Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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