I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
