I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
