Welp...herpes.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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