Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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