I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
