I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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