i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
