Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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