Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
