it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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