Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
