Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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