he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
