I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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