D3 body, D1 cock
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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