I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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