I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
