rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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