you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
