OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
