Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
