I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
