Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
