I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will be naked everywhere
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
