remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
