Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
