how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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