and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
